Posted by: theweesak | March 25, 2010

The Best Gift. Ever.

It was October 1st, 2008 when I first suspected it. I knew it could be a possiblilty before this time. But that day it really dawned on me. I had been feeling funny the last few days. Not bad, just funny, a little off. And on that day, while I sat at my desk in my cubicle in the lunch room at the recreation centre where I worked, the lightbulb went off. I wonder if I’m pregnant?

The day when you say those words to yourself is the best and scariest day of your life. I don’t think it is a secret that Stella wasn’t planned, per say. Bee and I had discussed having children many many times and were both in agreement that we wanted 1 or 2 (or 3 or 4 if you’d ask Bee). Well, we were in agreement that we wanted an undecided number of children. We were just in the process of looking at houses and wanted to move out. We had plans to get married in the spring (I had already bought my dress — the first one I tried on) and wanted to start having children soon after that. Asking myself that one question, threw everything for a loop and I didn’t even have the answer yet. Questions were flooding my brain, yet, the pit of my stomach felt like  a bee hive. I hum of excitement, anticipation and joy. It was truly an internal battle of my brain contemplating if I was ready for a life change and my heart willing it to happen.

I think everyone (or some people, okay maybe just me) worries at some point about having children. Could I even get pregnant? What if something was wrong? From doing some reading, I had a idea that infertility was physically and emotionally draining to say the least. What if I just wasn’t cut out to be a mom? What if other people didn’t think I was a good mom? What if we didn’t have the money? Whatifwhatifwhatif?

I had to put an end to my torture. On October 3rd, I told Bee we needed to go to London Drugs to buy a pregnancy test. I had told him earlier in September about the slight possibility, but I think in true Bee fashion, he let it slide. Or didn’t let me see him worried/excited/whatever men feel (I still don’t get it). My Daina once said he was like Teflon, nothing bothers him and he lets everything slide (a good contrast to myself — 2 weeks ago I lost sleep for 3 nights contemplating the purchase of a new car seat).

Anyway, we were going out for dinner that night for my 25th birthday with some friends and I wanted to know. Partly because I was so excited and nervous and partly because I wanted to find out if I could drown my sorrows of being 25 in an entire bottle of wine sip a nice glass of Malbec with my steak. So I pee’d on a stick. And I felt like my heart did a cart wheel when it showed 2 lines. Two lines meant a whole new day, a new life, a new me (I’m a Mom!). I told Brent who at first was worried (with all of the things I was pushing out of my head) — we didn’t even buy a house yet! But I didn’t care. Sure, it crossed my mind. But none of it mattered. We could, and would make it work. People did it all the time.

I made an appointment with my GP (who, as I have mentioned before is the best doctor in all of the land) and the first thing he said was PREGNANT?! And then he asked me if I was ready. I replied simply, I’m not sure. He told me that no one is ever 100% ready, and he knew me well enough to know that I would be fine. At that is when I decided that I was ready (not that it really mattered at that point). Is there a certain age? Or a dollar amount? No. In fact, I was relieved and it gave me a sense of peace. We would buy a house and be moved in well before our baby girl was born. But this was a small piece of the puzzle. My greatest relief was that I could have children. I was and am so happy.

The bottom line is we made it work. And to be honest it wasn’t even hard. It was, and is, a welcome challenge that I love everyday of. I am a good mom, I am cut out for this. What other people think doesn’t matter — what matters is what Stella thinks. And she tells me with her smiles, her kisses and hugs that we are good parents. And we just learned how to make a budget (good-bye pipe dreams of weekly shopping excursions to Holt Renfrew) — an amazing trade-off.

For of my birthdays, I’m going to say sometime in the early 90’s, my mom got me a blue garbage bin with a rounded lid and put dark green jeans inside. I loved them, wore them all the time, and put the garbage bin in my room for all to see. (I know, weird).

…this gift was way better.

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Responses

  1. Great post! The new blog looks awesome.

    I too am frustrated with Bee’s lack of emotions…hahaha. Oh bee… he’s in trouble now.

    Hope to see you and precious Stella again soon!!

    • Isn’t it odd that I can tell within 5 seconds from when he walks in the door if he won or lost a hockey game, but still can’t figure out on a day to day basis what he is thinking…boys…

  2. What a memory, forgive me if I don’t remember the blue garbage bin, and have a vague picture of seeing you in green jeans, oh well ….. I bad ❤


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